We have all seen it in most situations. The stereotype is that a woman struggles with an emotionally distant casual dating man. Despite her expressiveness, skills, and fiery love, he is not equipped for it. Although the phenomenon of being emotionally unavailable is more prevalent among men, both genders can feel emotionally empty in romantic and casual dating situations. If you have ever been in a situation where you felt uncomfortable, you probably dealt with or had to deal with someone who was too focused on work and not ready to care. They didn’t want to talk about their feelings, or they were not emotional in bed and who was at fault. I had a boyfriend who broke up with me because he felt that I was distracting him from studying math. Don’t worry too much. Sometimes “I want something serious” or “I need to focus on math” are not entirely valid preferences. Many of us use such justifications as an excuse not to get truly intimate with others because we fear being vulnerable. Well, okay. It’s scary, right? And many of us have plenty of reasons for dealing with stress and anxiety the way we do (childhood experiences and past traumas being some of them). But the thing is, whether we realize it or not, being emotionally unavailable means pushing others away from us, for better or worse. Consequences of such behavior include but are not limited to, unhappy breakups, unhealthy and casual dating, and unsatisfying sex.
If you are emotionally unavailable, understanding the feelings of others is not an option. You may be more interested in sex than sexual intimacy. If you don’t have a partner who is on the same wavelength, your partner may feel like a disembodied object to your casual dating When you are aroused or feel like you are “just pretending”. Maybe you have a partner with whom you made futile efforts to deepen your sexual connection.
If you tend to move forward quickly sexually but then back away when intimacy gets on your nerves and it makes you feel bad, or even better, if you have been accused of being emotionally unavailable, consider the following:
To become a more emotionally available lover or partner: This is a big point, and in a way the most important point. You’ve probably heard both terms before but not necessarily compared their meanings, so let me explain. While it may seem intimate to an innocent passerby, codependency dynamics do not give partners the space to be themselves, develop, and self-actualize outside of the overarching couple relationship. Usually, one or both partners are highly dependent on the other partner or casual dating for their identity and sense of worth. What could go wrong?
Interdependence, on the other hand, is a very practical ability to be an independent person yet dependent on your partner. It means having equal responsibility for casual dating. It means being able to talk about how you feel and hear your partner’s feelings, with the ultimate goal of meeting each other’s physical and emotional needs. Both partners can have the space they need to grow without worrying about what might happen casual dating a casual date.
