Women who engage in erotic sex are often stereotyped as insecure, as people who live not one sexuality but between two. For women, we find that this perception of indecision tends to go in one direction. We are expected to prioritize our attraction to men or ultimately choose heterosexuality when “life is over.” Other stereotypes portray women who participate in erotic sex as greedy and unfaithful as if they are always unhappy within the confines of monogamy yet pretend not to be. Navigating the lesbian dating world often leads to voices telling us, “We’re cheaters, we’re betraying our partners, and we’re hurting the women who gave us a chance with our indecisiveness.” These assumptions are far removed from my truth. I love monogamy, and so do many of the women I have erotic sex with (but women who practice ethical monogamy is not greedy liars either). It seems to come from a belief that erotic sex with a man is the most normal, valid, and satisfying type of erotic sex, and therefore that I will always need it.
No, I will not “sacrifice” erotic sex with a man
I remember the last time I dated a woman, and she told me how satisfied I was with the erotic sex. People were left speechless. they asked.
But no, I didn’t actually. I mean, I realized that men are still attractive. Just like a heterosexual person doesn’t lose interest in the opposite sex when they start dating someone, my attraction to both sexes didn’t disappear just because I fell in love. But monogamy and relationships are conscious practices, and I have to choose someone every day. I willingly chose erotic sex and intimacy alone with this woman, and it didn’t feel like a sacrifice.
“I just can’t live without a penis,” heterosexual women have told me with pity and sad looks.
I think they perceive me as someone who suffers when dating women as if I’m on a very strict diet. That’s ridiculous. Of course, people who are attracted to the opposite sex can’t imagine a life without heterosexuality. The difference for me is that I am not heterosexual. So when my partner does not have a penis, I think about the different, but still amazing erotic sex we will have together. I think about the shape of her body, how she fits in my arms, how my body feels, how her body feels, and that’s it.
First of all, lesbian women orgasm more than heterosexual women
I also think about how patriarchy shapes the erotic sexual script that each gender follows, and therefore the pleasure we experience with each gender. Research shows this, but it’s not because we are born with a unique understanding of the female anatomy. Two women can exist outside of a narrative that paints female pleasure as rare or unattainable, but we know firsthand how wrong that is.
I think men have been raised to think that my body is complicated, but also not worth understanding. Heterosexual sex, as portrayed in much of mainstream porn, prioritizes male pleasure and ends with male orgasm. So when I sleep with a woman, I am grateful that there is more room to see myself as an equal.
Erotic sex between two women is not inherently better. It offers other things to be grateful for
Following this revelation, women expressed how dehumanizing and compulsive erotic sex has become normalized. I don’t think men are raised to ask for enthusiastic or informed consent, but rather to say “yes” even if asked reluctantly or grudgingly. And while forced erotic sex does happen between two women, I’ve noticed that it’s not as common. I think raising children to be “nice” and intimate will lead to something that is more closely tied to sexual experience.
